Remaking and Marketing the GOP

By William L. Garvin

 

Now that the election is over and the American people have spoken, it is clear that the Republican Party needs an extreme makeover in order to become “culturally relevant” and acceptable to today’s electorate.  First of all, you have to scrap all that Judeo-Christian stuff.  All of that talk about Heaven, Hell, and Jesus makes people uncomfortable.  Exile God from the platform, the government, and the country.  As for sin, that’s such an outmoded concept.   Why shouldn’t I be able to do what I want to do without being judged by others?

 

You need to have an updated, culturally relevant Bible.  When it says to honor your father and your mother, it needs to address two fathers or two mothers.  The idea that marriage is between one man and one woman is so quaint, so old fashioned.  It’s just one of many lifestyle choices. That “life begins at conception” stuff also has got to go.  Since we’re entitled to life, liberty, and happiness, terminating that “tissue mass” which would be inconvenient to my contemporary lifestyle shouldn’t be any big deal.

 

While we’re at it, stop relying on that musty old Constitution.  After all, it was written by a bunch of old fogies a long time ago.  It may have been fine for them back in the dark ages but not a one of them knew how to operate a smart phone or a computer.  Get with the times!  They thought that government should have limited, specifically enumerated powers.  How can government give out “free stuff” if we listen to those codgers and what they intended?  Don’t worry about paying for it—you can spend your way into prosperity!  Once you’re too big to fail, the government can print some more money.

 

When it comes to votes, it’s a buyers’ market, GOP.  What can you give me?  All men are created equal so where’s my free stuff to make me equal?  Don’t give me any of that “don’t covet your neighbor’s goods” shtick, either.  Whatever anyone else has, I should have.  All those rich, nasty, old white men cheated and stole to get it so it’s no big deal if we take it away from them.  They hate poor people, they hate minorities, they hate sick people, they hate the environment, and they hate women so they deserve to be punished.

 

Another thing, GOP, you’re going to need a lot of money, probably several billion dollars.  You need to have a sophisticated political analysis and marketing operation.  It needs to dissect, simplify, separate, isolate and target specific sections of the electorate.  Different strokes for different folks.  Don’t worry about consistency.  You can advocate amnesty for illegals and still court union votes while ignoring the fact we have eight percent unemployment.  You can provide free birth control, free condoms, advocate homosexual marriage, use taxpayer money for abortions and still ask for the support of evangelical churches and claim to be a Christian.  The prevailing principle is “more personal pleasure.”  Get ahead of the curve and legalize and provide free marijuana along with food stamps.  Good old Alinsky principles work every time.

 

Another reason you’ll need a lot of money is you have to flood the airwaves with commercials that assassinate the character of your opposition.  Truth is irrelevant if you can destroy their image through the politics of personal destruction.  All’s fair in love, war, and politics.  Don’t worry if people say they hate negative advertising—it works.  Besides, they will forget and forgive all the lies and dirty tricks when you win--because winning is everything.  Another reason for needing money is you have to buy a bunch of television stations and newspapers so you have a cadre of “reporter supporters” who glorify your every move and NEVER ask probing questions about important issues.

 

If anyone challenges you with foolish concepts like balanced budgets, limited government, free market capitalism, reducing the national debt, or lowering unemployment, label them as extremists or Tea Party radicals.  If you don’t get your way, shout that it’s because the others are unwilling to compromise.  Always take personal credit for anything positive that happens in any part of the known universe.  And whatever you do, never admit that anything you have ever done was wrong.  Never accept any personal blame or accountability for anything negative that happens.  In fact, be offended if they even ask.  Always have someone else to blame.  Keep blaming Bush.  It’s the new, proven political path to success.